Understanding Loneliness and Creating Connections
“Loneliness has always been a friend of mine” or so the Backstreet Boys would acclaim to. Perhaps, not so much a ‘friend’ as it is a foe; but one thing we can agree with the Backstreet Boys on is that loneliness is ‘always’ a universal constant and something we all experience from time to time.
From being in the school playground, lying alone on your bed (or even in the company of another), doing your grocery shopping at your local convenience store, driving your car on the local work commute, sitting in the office canteen, at a family or friends social event (even surrounded by all of your nearest and dearest), becoming a widower, watching your children leave home or even start school, starting a new job, moving into a new home, travelling, setting off into retirement, starting a new business, or attending a local gig or festival; regardless of the situation or the number of people we are surrounded by, loneliness can rear its ugly head in many of life’s arenas.
Is it any wonder?
You are not alone in feeling lonely. Loneliness is considered to be a global health issue with research indicating that approximately 40% of the world’s population will experience frequent feelings of loneliness across the life course (almost 1 in 2 people!!). The reality is however that this number is likely to be much higher due to the challenges associated with measuring loneliness and the stigma associated with admitting feelings of such a vulnerable nature.
Why does loneliness matter?
Did you know that loneliness has been demonstrated to be as dangerous as smoking 15 cigarettes per day and renders greater health implications than obesity. Similarly, loneliness is also associated with depression, suicide, addictions, anxiety, cardiovascular disease, dementia, personality disorders, mobility challenges, quality of life, and early mortality rates. All of which are particularly alarming and elevate loneliness to the forefront of public health campaigns.
What exactly is Loneliness then?
Loneliness is a subjective and distressing feeling resulting from a perceived absence or loss of companionship. Essentially, what this means is that there are two types of loneliness:
1) Social Loneliness: This type of loneliness occurs when the number and quality of relationships with others is smaller than what we actually desire.
2) Emotional Loneliness: This type of loneliness occurs when the perceived intimacy within relationships is unsatisfactory.
What this tell us is that it is no wonder that even in a room full of other people, that we might still be experiencing loneliness. Put simply, loneliness is more to do with the quality of our relationships rather than the quantity. Contrary to Spock’s illogic, in the case of relationships, the need for a few (intimate ones) largely outweighs the need for many. Intimacy is the antidote.
Moving Towards Intimacy
For many, the word intimacy is closely associated with sex. Intimacy, however, is much much more than that. Intimate relationships are those characterised by closeness, honesty, and love. Romantic, platonic, and familial. In doing so, this creates deep, fulfilling, meaningful, and strong relationships capable of enduring many of life’s challenges.
What Can I do to Build Intimacy?
· Caring for others: Relationships are reciprocal. Giving and receiving is a must. Allowing others to also care for us is just as important.
· Making commitments: Committing to others for the long term and maintaining those commitments despite the arduous journey of life.
· Self-disclosure: Sharing parts of yourself to others (especially the scary bits!)
· Turn of the electronics: Be present in the moment with people and avoid the temptation to scroll through social media or turn on Netflix.
· Create a list: A to do list of activities that you like to participate in. Share the list, complete the activity and share why the activity has such meaning to you.
· Love Language: Discover what your love language is and communicate this to those that you love.
Backstreet Boys Revisited
Intimacy, in the immortal words of the Backstreet Boys, “I want (need) it that that way.”
Therapy today for a better tomorrow.
